Mastering Your Mindset: Becky Upchurch on Navigating Boundaries, Self-Care, and the Power of Saying 'No'

Ever found yourself overwhelmed with a calendar so packed you can't even breathe? Becky Upchurch, a mindset maestro, joins us to unravel how mastering your mindset can create space for moments that matter. She shares why learning to say 'no' isn't just empowering; it's essential for aligning your life with your core values. Dive into practical tips on using journaling and reflection to gain mental clarity, and uncover how these tools can guide you in making choices that resonate with joy and fulfillment. Becky's sage advice is a clarion call to busy women: prioritize yourself without the weight of guilt or societal expectations.

Struggling to balance self-love with the demands of serving others? Our enlightening conversation with Becky continues as we explore authenticity and the art of self-care that goes beyond spa days and yoga classes. It's about finding what fuels your soul and giving yourself permission to indulge in those practices regularly. We discuss the transformative journey to becoming a mindset coach and how changing the way we think about saying 'no' can open doors to more 'yes' moments in our lives. Becky encourages us to foster authentic connections by putting our desires and values at the forefront, challenging the misconception that women need to be ever-accommodating yes-sayers.

Finally, we tackle the nitty-gritty of personal transformation through the lens of self-care personalized to your needs. Becky provides candid insights into setting boundaries with humor and directness, offering a roadmap to comfort in uncomfortable situations. We delve into a coaching framework that dissects how our thoughts shape our emotions and actions, particularly in the context of people-pleasing. Becky imparts wisdom on incrementally shifting thought patterns to foster more positive self-perception and relationships, and she even drops a gem: "The People Pleaser's Guide to Saying No." It's an episode brimming with revelations for those ready to step confidently into their authentic selves.

Grab your copy of the People-Pleaser’s Guide to Saying No:
https://mailchi.mp/80d8579b1fd7/off5th52ji

Chapters

• 0:50 Mindset Mastery for Achieving Goals
• 7:38 Embracing Authenticity and Self-Care
• 13:47 Self-Care and Personal Transformation
• 19:13 Navigating Values, Balance, and Boundaries
• 27:02 Navigating Inner Voice and External Expectations
• 30:06 Shifting Thinking for Positive Results

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:50

Hello everyone, welcome to our Spiritual Spotlight Series. Today I am joined by Becky Upchurch. She is a mindset coach who specializes in helping busy women create time for themselves and their goals by learning to say no without fear, guilt or worrying about what other people think. Thank you so much, becky, for coming on the Spiritual Spotlight Series. I'm so happy you're here. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2: 1:12

I'm super excited to be here.

Speaker 1: 1:14

So we're going to just jump right in and kind of like mindset mastery. Becky, can you share some of the practical, easy to implement strategies you recommend for managing one's mindset to achieve their goals? Jumping right in, I love it. I love it.

Speaker 2: 1:30

I'm big on not wasting time, so that's actually really. That's actually one of the biggest things that I think mindset can help folks with. One of the biggest challenges that I see and hear from people in general, and especially women, is lack of time, lack of time to get things done, lack of time to get through the to-do list, and I think when we can get very clear about exactly what we need to do, what we need to say yes to, what we need to say no to, and the ability to do it quickly and easily and not get stuck in that thought loop of guilt or what if this, what if that that really helps us to kind of get to the heart and the meat of what we need to be focusing our time on. So I would say one of the first things is really getting clear about what it is we want for our lives, how we want to show up for ourselves, how we want to show up for others, how we want to show up in the world. In my personal opinion and experience, the best way to do that is to really connect to the things that we value most, the things that bring us to life, that give us that sense of being ourselves and finding our purpose. That sounds like a very, very tall order, but there are actually some very simple kind of tools and things you can do to navigate them. And I'll share one of my favorites that I actually learned from Tara Moore, who's the author of the book Playing Big and she's a coach and a speaker and a thought leader and just absolutely amazing. I've done several of her courses over the years and the way that she approaches this work that I suggest to people all the time is through thinking about core experiences.

Speaker 2: 3:05

So the way that I kind of encapsulate this and kind of summarize my experience of it is thinking about some times in your life where you have really felt alive and you have really felt like yourself and you've really felt deeply connected to who you are and your purpose in the world and you've experienced joy and kind of like those highlight reel moments that you can look back and be like, oh, if I could relive that day once a year, it would be great. What was it about that day that was so amazing? And then think about another experience what was it about that day that was so amazing? And start looking for what are the themes and the commonalities between those moments and those experiences, and are those things your core values? So like, for me, a core value of mine is being of service. Another core value of mine is educating people.

Speaker 2: 3:55

So then you ask yourself, how do I bring more of this into my life? And for someone like me, that's, you know, my, my work, my purpose in the world, what I believe I'm here to do. But just the idea that sometimes we can bring those things in in very small, simple ways that help to light us up and bring immediate joy to our lives. But also and this is the part that I have found is so impactful for me it can also be a really great touch point for when we're making decisions. So to figure out what it is that those things are that we should be focusing on, where should we be spending our time?

Speaker 2: 4:32

You know asking do these things align to those things that light me up? Do these things align to my values? Are these the best ways to spend my time? Are these the best things to get me there? So I think you know the first step is really getting clear about what we want. In terms of strategies, there's a lot that are very simple, very quick. I do a lot of mindset work. One of my favorite strategies is journaling just writing about things to get mental clarity.

Speaker 2: 5:01

I often have people say I love journaling as a concept, but, becky, I hate to write. And I actually love it when people say that, because I feel like most of us are walking around with some type of fancy phone that has a voice note option and so I tell people talk into your phone If you don't like to write. I've used that tool for when I have mindset work that I'm doing and I have things that I want to listen to and record that I've created. I will speak it into a voice note and I'll play it back while I'm walking the dogs or while I'm driving in the car. So if you're somebody who likes journaling as a concept, but maybe you're more of a talker than a writer, use your voice note.

Speaker 2: 5:37

You know if something's on your mind, if something's bothering you, just you know, click that button and start talking your way through it and then listen back and see what comes up. Because I think one of the most important things that we often don't do is take the time and again, when I say time, it's I'm talking five minutes or less you can do this to really figure out what are the hidden beneath the surface thinking and that, the hidden you know kind of things that we're saying to ourselves, thoughts that we're having about a situation, because often the top of mind thinking is not where I get stuck. It's that secret thought that's a little bit below the surface that I might not realize I'm having until I take five minutes to do a brain dump of my thoughts on a topic, and that's another great strategy. You know, if I'm really frustrated by something somebody did, I might write down so-and-so, did such-and-so.

Speaker 2: 6:31

And then I'm just going to bullet all of the thoughts I'm having about it, first 10 I write down. I'm like oh yeah, you know this, it was selfish, it was this, it made me have to come, you know late to the thing, you know, whatever the outcomes were. And then, after the first minute or two, things start popping out that I start going oh, didn't realize that thought was in there.

Speaker 1: 6:58

Oh, where did that thought come from? That's super random, and sometimes those are the places where we really need to dig in and figure out what's getting in our way. I love that. So what was the pivotal moment that made you realize you could have a greater impact by coaching individuals and teams outside of academia?

Speaker 2: 7:09

I think it was when I went through my first what I think of as like my first real coaching training and I started thinking about the impact of coaching and I was actually at the time thinking I was going to be moving into the world of addiction and recovery and I was studying that in graduate school. And then I talked to a friend of mine at the time who was kind of giving me some professional advice. They had retired from that world and I started realizing kind of how how far I had to go down the path. And I went to a women's event and I was sitting in the grass talking to some women, some of whom I just met, and one of them started talking about kind of the difficulty of getting support with struggles and how, you know, in the mental health world sometimes it can be really hard to, you know, find the help that you need. And I said you know it's interesting, you say that. I said I'm looking at this you know kind of journey and I feel like I'm hitting so many barriers to get to that end goal, to be able to help people, because there may be time and financial you know investments that I don't want to make right now. And then there's people on the other side of it waiting for people who want to help, and I had been thinking about coaching outside of kind of the realm I was in, but I hadn't really taken that step forward yet and I'll never forget.

Speaker 2: 8:30

This woman said to me well, what about becoming a coach in? You know, it's not the same thing, certainly, as being a therapist, and I don't want anyone to think I'm conflating those two things, because they're vastly different. I find that they are both amazing tools, but they're tools that serve different functions. And it was just the moment that she said that was kind of an aha moment of okay. So there was this little noodling in the back of my brain that was telling me this and it was like the universe has dropped this person literally in my lap and confirmed it for me. So that was kind of the moment where I was like, okay, let's explore this.

Speaker 2: 9:06

And then I signed up to go to an ICF accredited coach training program and did that and started my business. And again, I love the application of coaching in education. Signed up to go to an ICF accredited coach training program and did that and started my business. And again, I love the application of coaching and education. I still do that. But I also equally love the mindset piece because I think it's so, so, so important, especially for women, to really understand the impact that our mindset has on everything in our lives.

Speaker 1: 9:31

Oh, definitely so higher good coaching was born from a desire to live more authentic, purposeful life. How do you find authenticity and how can others strive to live more authentically?

Speaker 2: 9:46

So one of the things that I have become very passionate about in, I guess I would say recent months because it hasn't yet been a year is the idea of saying no and what we say no to versus what we say yes to, and kind of that relationship between the two that every no opens the door to a yes If we know the things that we want to say yes to and we're sitting around saying I don't have time to do this, this and this, which are the things I really want to be doing, because I'm doing all these other things that maybe I don't want to be doing but I feel like I can't say no to. To me, that's not a way to live, and so I think the idea of being able to excuse me, being able to say no to things and embrace the things we want to do, that, to me, is really a form of being authentic, and I think it's one of the things that people get wrong, and I feel like myself included, for many years got this wrong, I think, particularly women. We are taught that saying yes is a good thing, that being the go-to is a good thing, that putting our needs aside for others is a good thing, that our role is to caretake others and that all of them. And I would argue that what those things do is they get in the way of our ability to show up authentically right, because if I'm showing up to do things for other people that I don't want to do, and I feel resentful, I feel exhausted, I feel frustrated that I'm focusing on them and not the things that I want to be focused on. Right, I may still show up, I may still have a smile, but I feel like that energy that I'm putting off is not the kind of energy I want to put off, and I feel like, on some level, it does impact the relationship that I'm able to have with other people, because they're not getting my best self and they're not getting the most authentic version of me. And you know, I feel like we've probably all heard people talk about.

Speaker 2: 11:43

You know, the key to connection, which is something I think we all need and are driven by, is to really be able to connect authentically with others, and if we're all focusing on what we should be doing and not what we want to be doing, I would argue that we are not actually connecting authentically, and so our connections can only run so deep, whereas I will tell you the people in my life, when I show up for things, they know that I want to be there.

Speaker 2: 12:08

Um, and it's whether I want to be there cause it's fun, or whether I want to be there because it's a value of mine to show up in that situation. Um, because I think sometimes we think that you either can be somebody who shows up or you can be somebody who's selfish. Um, you can either be somebody who says no or you can be somebody who's kind, and I think that's the biggest struggle that a lot of women have, and I want people to understand that you can be somebody who is exceptionally loving of the people who matter to you and still tell them no on a regular basis and still love them and still be loved by them, and I think that that's a new idea for a lot of people.

Speaker 1: 12:51

I 100% agree. So your motto love self, serve others, emphasizes the importance of self-care. How do you personally practice self-care and why is it crucial for those in service-oriented roles?

Speaker 2: 13:04

And again, I think number one is boundaries, learning to say no. And I know there's probably people who are listening who are saying it's so hard, I'll ever be able to do no. And I know there's probably people who are listening who are saying it's so hard, I'll never be able to do it. And what I always want people to know is you just have to learn the tools and the skills and start small and don't start with people that it's super difficult to say no to start with, kind of the low hanging fruit. But I think that setting boundaries is almost the highest form of self-care because it really helps you prioritize the things that you need to prioritize. We know, whether we realize it or not, we know what we need and what we don't in our lives. We know what serves us and what doesn't. So really living into that, I think, is a very powerful form of self-care.

Speaker 2: 13:47

Just in the day-to-day, I'm going to tell you I am big on sleep. I would say that I'm a great sleeper. I haven't been the best sleeper recently because we've had some issues with a sick dog and then another dog who got off schedule, so we've been waking up at 4.15 around here and so sleep has been missing lately, which I've certainly been feeling. So I took a nap yesterday, I'm going to take one, probably later today. I think rest is one of my biggest self-care things Hydration. It's amazing to me how many of us and I always joke, you know sometimes when I talk to my mother and she talks about she's not feeling well or so that first thing I say to her is how much water did you have today? Because I have gotten to the point in my life where I can feel it physically and just immediately know like oh, I didn't hydrate well enough today.

Speaker 2: 14:37

And I think sometimes we think about self-care in like, oh, going and having a spa day or getting a massage, or having like a shopping day or a girl's lunch, and I think all of those things are great and those can be forms of self-care if they are things that matter to you and feed your soul. If a day of shopping with the girls feels exhausting and stressful to you, then it's probably not self-care. Or, for example, I'm somebody who loves massages but I have a product back issue that, for whatever reason, flares up pretty much every time I get a massage now.

Speaker 1: 15:12

So that's something I've had to stop doing.

Speaker 2: 15:13

I know it's like everyone's like, oh, no, it'll help and no, it doesn't. My body's just like no thanks. So I've had to learn that that's maybe not the best form of self-care for me. Being outside in the sunshine, being next to water, those are things that soothe me. That's a form of self care. So I think it's really about identifying what helps you. To me it's kind of like what makes me feel good, what helps me feel centered, what calms my mind. And then, certainly, you know the physical elements of self care, which I'm not always great at. But you know, I've been trying to get into an exercise regimen where I don't, you know, injure myself, but also realizing that self-care should not be a punishing thing. It shouldn't be a checklist, it shouldn't be one more thing on the to-do list. Sometimes I think we make such a big deal about needing to take care of ourselves that we add an additional pressure that we don't need to be carrying.

Speaker 2: 16:07

So I think the ability to really say okay, well, like do I have five minutes today and can.

Speaker 2: 16:13

I take that five minutes and do something that feels good to me, whether it be I'm going to go sit outside for five minutes, or like I'm going to go hide in the bathroom for my kids because I need five minutes of quiet. Or you know, I'm going to go, you know, to the break room for five minutes at work just to center myself, or I'm going to go to the break room for five minutes at work just to center myself, or I'm going to stop and drink water, or I'm going to stretch, or I'm going to do whatever it is. Small things add up and many of us are taught take big steps, set big goals, and I think that that is an admirable thing conceptually. But I find that I am most successful in pretty much all things in life when I focus on small steps, practice consistently over time.

Speaker 1: 16:56

I 100% agree with you and I like the tangible tips that you're giving for the listeners. We recently had a customer service training at work and he said that when you're in a heightened sense of anxiety or you just need to deescalate, he's like just look outside and look in the distance at a tree. Like, just take your mind away from the situation and look at a tree. And now everyone's like I'm going to come in your office, rachel, and I'm going to look at a tree. I said by all means open the window too, if you need to. Like it just and I like that. Like you're giving practical advice and also small steps, but also be consistent. That's so important. That's amazing. So your work focuses on helping women go from feeling dissatisfied and burned out to energized and confident. What are some maybe common misconceptions about achieving this transformation?

Speaker 2: 17:46

Yeah, I think the idea that it's an either or situation I know. Growing up, I feel like I was somebody who grew up in an environment I grew up with. You know it's.

Speaker 2: 17:59

It's almost like there's a different rhythm and a different pace in this area and I think some of us internalize it as part of our personalities, and so it was very normalized for me to be a striver, to be a hard worker, to be ambitious, to, you know, check all the boxes of success, and I'm not saying that those things are wrong, but I also think those things aren't necessarily right for everyone. I think you can be a hard worker and also be somebody who prioritizes rest. I think that you can be somebody who is successful in business and takes naps every day. I think you are capable of being a good parent who also takes time away from their children. I think you can be a good employee who doesn't work late, five nights a week, and so, recognizing that you can be it's not an either or it's a both and, and that you can get to design and choose what that looks like for you and it's going to be different for every person. And that's where it ties back to that idea of really knowing your values, really knowing what matters for you.

Speaker 2: 19:19

And I had an experience years ago where I was coaching someone around something and through the course of the conversation, it was something that was business related and through the course of conversation, it became very clear that what the person thought that they were kind of looking at was maybe not exactly where they wanted to head, because it was kind of butting up against a value that they had that didn't quite align.

Speaker 2: 19:42

And so, you know, sometimes we think, oh, I want this thing, I want this metric of success. But then we start chasing it and even when we get it we're like well, why am I not happy? Oh, because maybe it takes me away from my family too much and that's my priority. Or maybe I'm leaning into time with my family and I start to realize I miss time with my friends. So, really trying to figure out what are those things that matter most to me, how do I integrate them into my life in ways that make sense? Because balance does not always mean everything is equal. Sometimes balance means certain things are weighed more heavily for us, and that's completely okay.

Speaker 1: 20:19

Oh, I love that answer. That's really. That's so important. I do find that it's, some I do, and even probably myself. I think either or like no it's. You can just find the balance. So how do you maintain balance between honesty, kindness and humor when you're addressing sensitive issues with your clients?

Speaker 2: 20:39

So I think one of the things that is really important in coaching and really any supporting professions, is the relationship you have with people.

Speaker 2: 20:49

As a coach. I think part of why people hire coaches is for the insight that they provide, for the ways that they can help you see things about yourself that you may not see. You know and I like to use the example of you know, I'm on a call talking to somebody and it was like you know, I start noticing there was like a particular word they kept using and it was like well, you've used this word six times, so let's really look at that word and figure out. That person had no idea they used that word over and over and over, but clearly it was something that was resonating with them. So I think it's important to have that person who can maybe sometimes mirror back some things or even offer some perspective that you didn't have, or maybe some perspective that you have, but again it's not on the surface, didn't have, or maybe some perspective that you have, but again it's not on the surface. So I think that that's kind of where the honesty part comes in. I think it's important to have a rapport and a relationship, but I think that's one of the things that you know is a distinction between when you're you know you have something going on maybe you're frustrated with and you call your friend. I think most of us expect our friend to be like, oh my gosh, you're so right, that coworker is a jerk, or your boss is asking for too much. Or, um, oh yeah, your, your kids are constantly demanding things. Or, oh, your partner should be doing that, or whatever it is right. We expect that automatic support, and I think the difference with a coach is there's that automatic support and like 100%, like positive regard towards you and I am in your corner. And also, is there another way to look at this? So I think that's kind of that honesty piece where it's like yes, I can totally see why you would get frustrated by that person doing that thing. Is there another way to look at this? Or do we want to explore why that's frustrating you? So kind of getting to the meat of the problem, so to speak, but also doing it in a way where people don't feel like they're being attacked.

Speaker 2: 22:41

Because, at the end of the day, if I'm struggling with something, the last thing I want especially if I'm used to my friends supporting me and kind of jumping on my bandwagon is somebody to be like well, that's just wrong, becky. Or like, well, that doesn't make any sense or, you know, saying, well, let's look at this a different way and with an implication that my way is wrong. So, really finding that balance between let's be objective and let's be honest in our approach to this and let's be 360 in our approach to this, and let's also look at the idea that maybe nobody's the bad guy, nobody's wrong, what are the possibilities? You know, one of the things that coaches are really taught, I think, often through our careers, is to be curious, right. So, helping people to stay curious about things as opposed to making immediate judgments, how can we be curious? What might we discover? And then I just find that sometimes humor is a good approach to a lot of things.

Speaker 2: 23:40

And even with my work with boundaries, I say to people you know, I'm a very direct communicator and so I, you know, especially now, having done a lot of this, you know, over time, I'm very comfortable setting firm boundaries with people. But sometimes, especially when it's new, it can feel really uncomfortable. And so sometimes, instead of saying to someone you know, hey, you know, becky, I really don't like it when you talk about other people. It makes me really uncomfortable and if you, you know, I don't want to be around when you do it, or I would appreciate if you change the subject or you know, if it continues I'm going to have to not come to these dinners anymore, or whatever it is. Some people might not be comfortable saying that, but they might be comfortable saying man, becky, I'd hate to see what you say about me when I'm not around.

Speaker 2: 24:22

Ha ha ha. And maybe the same message is received, but I don't feel so awkward saying it because, oh, I was just making a joke. Again, that may not be the way somebody chooses to communicate, but you know, sometimes there are places for humor.

Speaker 2: 24:36

I also think that certainly if somebody's coming to a coach because they want to change and grow, that's you know quote unquote serious work and it's a serious thing. But I think there's a lot of stuff in life that feels hard and sometimes we almost I feel like we almost think of it as like it's something that's super serious and that adds some pressure that makes it harder. So I think anytime we can add a sense of levity, a sense of fun. You know, even with something, if somebody is trying something new, it's like okay, great, like let's talk about a bunch of different strategies, now let's pick some that you're going to enjoy.

Speaker 2: 25:14

What's going to be fun here for you, what's going to be good to try out, and kind of keeping things open and keeping things fluid and inviting people to say like, hey, if I'm trying a new mindset, routine, and you know I've given you some ideas of things that I do or things that you know I think might be helpful, and then you come up with your own handful of ideas and then you try things out, hey, well, is there something silly and fun we can throw in there? So balancing this quote unquote again serious work of change with the enjoyment of it Because I think anything that we don't have an element of enjoyment in can quickly feel like a burden, and the last thing that most of us need is one more thing that feels like a heavy burden that we have to carry.

Speaker 1: 26:03

So so true. Before I ask you the last question where is the best place for someone to learn more about you, get in touch with you, what's the best place for them to go to?

Speaker 2: 26:17

So I'm in a couple of places, but probably the best place is just to email me. And that's Becky at higher good coachingcom, and it's higher with a GH like higher power. I did not do the word play on purpose, I had actually picked the name. And then one of my sisters was like higher like H I R E. Did you think about that? I was like no, I didn't. Was like higher like H I R E. Did you think about that?

Speaker 1: 26:34

I was like no, I didn't, but we're just going to roll with it. I love that. I didn't even think about that. I thought like like being more intuitive and like higher power.

Speaker 2: 26:41

Yes, and like higher self, higher, you know. But yeah, it was I, so it's higher with a GH. If you email me and then I'm on Facebook at higher, good coaching again with the GH and then um also on Instagram, as Becky up church underscore.

Speaker 1: 27:02

So how can someone start to trust and act on their inner voice, especially when it conflicts with external expectations or societal norms? I love that.

Speaker 2: 27:09

Um, I think the first thing is really looking at what is that inner voice telling us and again, I touched on this a little bit earlier. But so, whatever the specific thing is, write it down on a piece of paper and just start to bullet out all the thoughts that you're having, and generally there will be a thought that kind of it's like oh, I think there might be something there worth looking at. And then there's a couple of ways you can approach it. I like to talk about. You know how do we interrogate that thought?

Speaker 2: 27:38

You know, if it's like oh, if I say no, that I'm not a good friend. Ok, well, let's, let's interrogate that thought a little bit Well is that true.

Speaker 2: 27:46

Let me think about like my three closest friends have they ever said no to me or anybody else? The answer is probably going to be yes, right. So kind of looking at that or you know what is an example of, if one of my friends said no to me, I would still love them be their friend. So kind of showing ourselves some evidence to the contrary is a really important way to not fight the thought, because we don't want to get into an argument with our own brain that's counterproductive, but really just open to the possibility that maybe there's another way of thinking. And then in coaching there's kind of a basic framework for navigating thinking. It's called different things, it's kind of encapsulated different ways by different coaches navigating thinking. It's called different things, it's kind of encapsulated different ways by different coaches, different schools, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker 2: 28:36

But if you think about it like this, if everything's kind of controlled through the lens of our thoughts, so if something happens to you, that's the circumstance, and then you have a thought and that thought might be positive, might be negative. It's whatever you're thinking about that thing that happened. And that thought might be positive, might be negative. It's whatever you're thinking about, that thing that happened. So maybe you get into a fight with your partner. So that's the circumstances. Like, me and my partner say words to each other. The thought is you know, maybe I'm going to feel bad, but when I feel bad, what am I going to do? What's my action that I'm going to take or not take, and then what result do I get as a result of that action?

Speaker 2: 29:17

Right, so, taking that thought that we're having and putting it into that model to see how is it serving us. So let's look at the. You know, in the situation of boundaries, if I say no to something or I'm thinking about something I don't want to do, and it's like, you know, my thought might be, if I say no to this thing, everyone's going to be mad at me. How?

Speaker 1: 29:34

does that make me feel?

Speaker 2: 29:35

It makes me feel, maybe anxious. Okay, so when I'm anxious, worrying that people are going to be mad at me, what am I going to do? Maybe I'm going to show up to the thing but be secretly grumpy. Maybe I'm going to be like looking the whole time for like ways to escape having the conversations with people that I'm trying to avoid. Maybe I'm going to be up too late. Maybe I'm going to get a bad night's sleep.

Speaker 2: 29:57

You know what's the outcome right the outcome is I'm going to, you know, not do the thing that I want to do that night and be resentful, you know. So, kind of following the trajectory of how does my thinking about this situation lead me to the result that I'm getting? And then, is that a result I want? And if it isn't, how do I use that same mechanism to shift my thinking to a way that serves me? So if I don't want to be terrified that this person's going to hate me, okay, then maybe I'll start with the thought of it's possible I can say no without my best friend hating me, okay. So let's work from there, let's build up, because that's one of the biggest things that I see with people when they try to shift their thinking is they try to go from way far on the negative side to way far on the positive side and then their brain kind of does a boomerang effect. So we really want to start with really small baby step movements.

Speaker 1: 30:55

Oh, I love that. That's amazing Baby step movements. Well, Becky, I want to thank you so, so much for coming on this virtual spotlight series. It's been amazing to talk to you today. Thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 31:05

Thank you so much for having me. And just related to that last question and kind of where do people get started, if you think it is something that your audience would be interested in, I do have a guide that I created recently. It's called the People Pleasers Guide to Saying no. So even if you don't identify as a people pleaser, if you're somebody who maybe no is not your favorite thing to say, it kind of gets you started on that process of how do you go from having fear and anxiety around that to building that comfort muscle so that you can get more comfortable and more fearless about making those changes.

Speaker 1: 31:42

I love that. Thank you so much Thank you.

Speaker 2: 31:45

This is great.