Spiritual Spotlight Series
Discover a world of healing, holistic, and spiritual modalities with the Spiritual Spotlight Series podcast. Every week, we introduce you to diverse spiritual practitioners, including psychics, energy healers, life coaches, spiritual thought leaders, and witches. Each episode offers inspiration and enlightenment through the unique journeys, experiences, and divine abilities of our guests. Perfect for those on a path to spiritual awakening, this podcast blends science and mysticism to expand your understanding of spirituality. Our mission is to open your eyes to the world around you, making complex concepts accessible and enlightening for anyone seeking spiritual growth. Whether you're new to spirituality or looking to deepen your knowledge, the Spiritual Spotlight Series is your go-to resource for awakening and transformation.
Spiritual Spotlight Series
Dismantling Societal Expectations: Courtney Boyer's Insightful Discourse on Women's Sexual Empowerment and Self-care
Join us for a riveting conversation with Courtney Boyer, a relationship and sexuality expert who is passionately demystifying women’s sexual empowerment and body disconnect.
Courtney adeptly addresses the societal expectations burdening women, bringing a fresh perspective on women as sexual gatekeepers while underscoring the importance of open dialogues about sex and pleasure. She also tackles the relentless pursuit of the 'perfect mom' status and emphasizes the crucial role of self-care in every woman's life.
Courtney further enlightens us on the profound impact of intentions on well-being and relationships, demonstrating how self-love and gratitude nurture a prosperous life. This is beautifully exemplified by a transformative story from one of Courtney's clients.
We also discuss her book, 'Not Tonight, Honey: Why women actually don't want sex and what we can do about it', and her upcoming coaching programs which aim to advocate sexual empowerment.
Courtney provides intuitive insights on how men, too, can gain from understanding her book's principles and hence foster better communication with their partners.
So, buckle up and get ready for this enlightening discourse on women's empowerment!
Courtney Boyer, M.Ed., M.S. is a relationship and sexuality expert and author of Not Tonight, Honey: Why women actually don't want sex and what we can do about it. Courtney believes we can reclaim our power through our sexuality and she helps her clients to infuse passion and creativity into their lives by helping them uncover what's preventing them from connecting with their priorities and purpose.
Courtney is also a Certified Level 2 Reiki Practitioner.
To work with Courtney www.courtneyboyercoaching.com
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Hello everyone, welcome to the Spiritual Spotlight series. Today I am joined by Courtney Boyer. She's a relationship and sexuality expert and the author of Not Tonight Honey why Women Don't Want Sex and what we Can Do About it. She's a trained therapist, certified life coach and a certified level two Reiki practitioner. Courtney, thank you so much for coming on the Spiritual Spotlight series. I'm so happy you're here. Thanks, rachel. I'm excited to be here. I'm also excited that Courtney is in Germany. My dream to go there, yay.
Speaker 2:Come visit.
Speaker 1:I'm definitely going to come visit. Let me talk about let's just jump right into it Sexual empowerment and pleasure. Not Tonight, honey. Your Bulk Delves Deep into the Reasons Behind Women's Struggles with Sexual Desire. In your opinion, maybe, what are some of the pivotal factors that have caused this disconnect between women and their own bodies?
Speaker 2:Yeah, where do I start?
Speaker 1:Start from the beginning of time.
Speaker 2:Once upon a time no, yeah, I mean just, but I mean in all honesty, though that's really what happens is like from the beginning is girls are inundated with these messages of what's a good girl and what's expected of them and not saying that boys don't also get that same messaging, but a lot of that messaging for girls is around our bodies, our appearance, our ability to please and to serve other people, and so we're not ever really connecting with our body or connecting with this idea of pleasure at a young age.
Speaker 1:I would totally agree with that. I mean, and I think as a male and maybe I'm not sure if this is something males I feel like are promoted to yeah, be in touch with your sexual prowess, and women it's more like no, you need to be subdued and be a mom and be a virgin, and it's very interesting, not so much.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in the book I talk about that. I coined the term sexual gatekeeper syndrome and this is something that I see. That, girls, I love your face right now.
Speaker 1:I love that term alone sexual gatekeeping Like go ahead please, yeah, no, like the sexual.
Speaker 2:It's this idea that women are girls, teenagers are. It's our job as the gatekeepers of sexual behavior, so it's expected. Of course men want sex all of the time, so of course they're always going to want to say yes. So somebody has to be the bigger person to shut sex down, and so that has typically fallen on women, and that's where women are seen as either crudes or sluts, depending on where their you know gatekeeping status is.
Speaker 1:And prudes or sluts, even within the same relationship that they're currently in. Yeah, absolutely Like it's. It's, it's a well, why, why don't you do this and why don't you act like this? And it's like okay 100% mixed messaging Yep. So let me ask you this how do you believe that families, especially parents, can foster an environment where conversations about sex and pleasure are open, healthy and devoid of shame?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's just one by modeling. So that's one of the best ways that kids see is if you're prioritizing your own pleasure, and a lot of people, when they hear the word pleasure, they just assume we're talking about sexual pleasure, and one of the things that is really I think important to remember is that pleasure is just a concept in general and it can be applied to any category.
Speaker 2:So if you are taking pleasure in your morning coffee or you are, you know, taking a pleasantly stroll down the road, but we're just not encouraged to do that, we're we're very focused, we're very driven Like we don't have time for these things. You know, pleasure is really seen as a distraction and really occasionally as a reward, but it is never seen as the path.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and I kind of like that you just brought this up. It's like overachievement. So you shared how your deeply personal journey from striving for external validation to see even more authentic self-worth, how to maybe spirituality and energy were common to play during this transformative place in your life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean I did all like the right things, so I I like that. I did all the right things. Society said yes, exactly. I grew up very religious, so I was married at 22. I had all three kids by the time I was 30. I had two master's degrees by the time I was 30. I just was your quintessential overachiever. Honestly, that left me burned out, anxious, depressed and just really lonely. And then I started realizing that we're kind of told a lie. When I say kind of, I mean really told a lie in terms of what success and fulfillment is. And so then I started looking for fulfillment in other places, outside of achievement.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I mean you just brought this up that you were a mom of times three before 30. So the middle of being a super mom. As someone who has chased the super mom status, what can you tell maybe a young woman or a new mother about the pressures of trying to have it all in the importance of, like you said, self-care?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a myth. Like you can't have it, all you can. I'm just like mm-hmm, yeah, yeah, I mean we can pretend, right? No, let's not pretend. I don't like pretending, I mean it's just. It's really this idea that continues women to cash in on the commercialization and the commodification and all of these birds that have us try to show up and be somebody that we're really not. And you can have elements of it. Quote all, but not all at the same time. And that doesn't mean that you're a failure. That just means that it's about seasons and accepting things that are supposed to be in your life at certain times.
Speaker 1:I love that seasons. I mean, I'm somebody who I'm registered nurse, I run a doctor's office, I'm a mom, I'm very spiritual, but it is a struggle to find balance and I feel like a lot of it comes to society's pressures and I should be doing this. I should be doing this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1:You know, and I love the idea of I like, like what you just said, taking a pleasure walk, like pleasurably walk, like I know, after this I'm going for a walk and I'm like, I'm going to equate it to pleasure.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, find the things that like like. One of my small pleasures is watching leaves fall. I know like this is my favorite time of year. I just there's something like magical for me about watching leaves fall and so when I see that, like I smile, I pay attention to, like my breathing, I notice that like I just feel happier, and that's an example of creating what I call a pleasure. Practice in the book is finding those little things that bring you pleasure and incorporating that consistently into your life, and then you have a practice.
Speaker 1:That is amazing. I'm going to be doing that Good. Yes, let me ask you this I know that you had two masters degree before the age of 30. What made you desire to want to be a relationship and sexuality expert?
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, I didn't start out that way. I wanted to be a lawyer because I wanted to help people.
Speaker 1:I love the transition. That's amazing.
Speaker 2:Then I read the women's room in college and that totally changed my life. I started really looking into gender and sexuality and realizing this is really messed up. Women are really given the short end of the stick here. I wanted to be a part of the solution. Then I told my parents I'm not going to study law, I'm going to study sex, which makes every parent super proud. That's what propelled me. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do. I didn't want to be a therapist at first because I didn't think I was qualified for that. Then I worked as a sexuality educator for a little bit. Then people were drawn to come to me and ask me these really personal questions. I just didn't have the tools. That's what led me into sex therapy and traditional therapy.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's amazing. I love the fact that you started as wanting to be a lawyer. I think I also started as I wanted to be a lawyer and then I became a nurse. I was like, yeah, it's how our paths diverge Exactly, With the blend of science and spirituality, your credentials and everyone. I recommend you check out her website and she has a lot of credentials which are all amazing. They reveal an intricate blend of Western medicine and alternative methods like Reiki. How?
Speaker 1:do you find these different practices converge in your approach to women's sexual empowerment.
Speaker 2:One of the things that I really was looking back now is when I was in graduate school. The gold standard was cognitive behavioral therapy. That was like everything could be fixed in your mind. As long as you thought differently, then you would feel differently and then you would behave differently. That was a very logical. What I would find with so many of my clients is that they would get to a point that they just couldn't get past. I was like I don't get it. At the same time, my dad started getting sick. When you see somebody that you love deteriorating and you're like man, I can't help them, but I know that he has this lot of unresolved trauma and started realizing that the body keeps the score. We have these energies that stuck in us and we can pretend like they don't exist, but they do. What I realized is until you get the body on the board, you will not achieve the results that you're really desiring. My focus is how do I integrate the mind and the body in a way that feels authentic to me?
Speaker 1:That is so true. The body does keep the score. I don't know if you've ever read the Emotion Code and I'm sure you've read a lot of the books about how your thoughts create your reality and how that gets embedded into your cellular tissue. I feel like it manifests in, like you said, stored drama. It comes up in addiction. It comes up in overachieving. It comes up in so many different ways. Imagine with your background. Now you probably identify with your client. You need some energy work.
Speaker 2:I'm always a fan of energy work.
Speaker 1:yes, Absolutely so, am I. It's fascinating how even rashes can pop up on someone's body. They have anxiety and it's coming up. Absolutely stress, yep, how we manage stress, that's a whole other topic. Right, it is. Yes, I brought up that you about your father. You lost your father in 2017, and you mentioned realizing that you've been sold alive the definition of success. Can you maybe elaborate on how this experience shifted your perspective on what truly matters in life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so my dad was like the quintessential example of success. So he grew up in a very physically and emotionally abusive household, was kicked out when he was a kid and, just like, worked his way up through the ranks but had a lot of severe PTSD and thought he could outrun, like literally like he was a marathon runner, like that. He could outrun his demons and he tried everything. He tried sports, he tried success, he tried food, he tried, ultimately, painkillers and it just like it was just a perfect example of you can't outrun those, you have to face them. And so I think, what if I knew what I knew now? Back then I feel much more equipped to be able to, like, help him. Obviously, you know people choose what they want to their own path. But yeah, I mean seeing that of what that epitome of success look like on the outside, but yet feeling knowing that he was still broken on the inside. That to me was like there's something missing here, like that's not OK.
Speaker 1:And have you found that in your own personal life that you've been able to shift that perspective, to really feel like? I know you said like when you were chasing this married, 22 kids, master's degree and felt lonely. Do you feel now that, with all of these tools that you have, that you feel more fulfilled inside?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean I'd be lying if I said that I didn't struggle with, like, that outward expectation of like, oh, I'm not as successful you know quote unquote to be. And then that's when I, you know, engage in those times I have to really ground myself in gratitude and remember, like, what's important and reflect on OK, what are the things that are a priority in my life and why am I getting sucked into this? You know you're not making enough money, or you're not, you don't have enough sales, or you don't have enough credentials, or whatever it is. So, yes, I know, you know I, but is it insane?
Speaker 1:Like, yes, I know I have a lot of credentials, but like, I still am, like I'm the same way I'm not 100% resonate with what you're saying, because it's like I mean, you and I are both like you're your coach and you're you know you're in the online space and you're in person space and it is interesting how people can judge you based upon oh well, you're actually missing. You know what I mean. But then other people present themselves as no credentials and you act like experts because they've got a good marketing team. 100% Yep, and it's a hard balance. And I'm going to ask you this because I suffer.
Speaker 1:I suffer from the same thing and I call it like shiny thing syndrome, where I'm like, oh, if I get this one more tool, oh, if I get this one more tool. It's a hard thing to be like we've done enough Enough. Yeah, exactly yeah, we've done enough. So let me ask you this in the mind body connection, from NLP to any MDR, your training encompasses a range of techniques aimed at mental well being. How have these practice influenced your understanding, approach towards sexual intimacy and relationships?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I think it's like the word. The thing that comes up to me is the word intention, and so being really cognizant of how powerful intention is, regardless of what modality you're using on your healing path, or even more applicable to just everyday life, like how, my intention to show up as the most authentic version of myself, like that, that's just paramount.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I am a firm believer. I say it all the time Energy follows intention. So where you're going to place that intention is where energy is going to follow. Yeah, absolutely. Do you find that? Because I know that, like you do a relationship in sexuality expert. But imagine you have a lot of people that are coming to you that maybe they're not in a relationship, maybe they want to learn how to love themselves. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's like what, how do you have, like maybe, a transformational story that you can share about one of your clients that maybe was struggling and now they're thriving?
Speaker 2:Yeah, one of the women that comes to mind actually talk about her in my book and it's like the mirror. If you know mirror work in the book, if you've read my book, you're going to read my book. I'm going to read her book. Yeah, it's a real person and she was single when she met me and she was really trying to have a better relationship with herself, which I do. A lot of people think that a relationship expert only focuses on like two people relationships, but it's really about your relationship with yourself, and she was so disconnected from who she was and didn't even realize how much she really hated herself.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so sad. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2:I know it is really sad, but a lot of people do and they don't even realize it. It's like that's the standard and it doesn't come from a bad place, but it comes from a place of protection. Like that part of you that like thinks you're so awful and you're so unworthy is because it's really trying to keep you safe, because you've been hurt by so many people in the past. And so, being aware of that, of why people despise themselves, it's not because they have done terrible things or they think that they really are crappy people. They just don't want. They want to stop being in pain and stop being hurt by others.
Speaker 1:So how? How is she now? She's amazing.
Speaker 2:Like I do. I talk to her probably like two or three times a year, like doing what I call like maintenance checkups or sessions, but she'll send me messages on Instagram, and which I love. I love when clients or, you know, readers will reach out to me and and she's like she just will send me like a random gratitude, like I'm so thankful, like this came up in my life and I had the ability to work through it because of our work together and I know right, it's the best, it's the best feeling.
Speaker 1:So that just I mean it fills you with so much joy to know that you've been able to really help somebody that, like you, hate themselves. That's so sad. And now, they're thriving, they're empowered, they're in gratitude and you've got that up a couple of times. Having an attitude of gratitude, I feel like that's a real base for a lot of any type of practice? How? How would you recommend somebody going into a gratitude practice?
Speaker 2:So you can make it as easy or as complicated as you want. But like, what are the? Like? What my husband does is he sets a timer on his phone, like twice a day, and it's just like, oh, that's my alarm. I need to like really ground myself in gratitude and that's it. I just need to think of something that I'm grateful for and it's become, it is like completely changed his attitude and his outlook and which I'm really grateful for. And so you can do that.
Speaker 2:You can do journaling, like some people will do that first thing in the morning. Some people will do the last, like right before they go to bed. They'll think of like five things that they were grateful for that day. I'm a big fan of sprinkling things, so I like, throughout your day or, like you know, once a day or whatever, not usually for me at the end of the day, I'm just like done so. It's not authentic for me to be grateful at the end of the day. But if you start your morning off with maybe one thing that you're looking forward to, even if it's a quote, a tough day, you know like I'm just grateful that there's coffee downstairs or I'm just grateful that, like I know that I will. It's gonna be sunny today, you know, whatever. Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1:It could. Like you said, if you're having a tough day, one simple thing can really just yeah, it'll shift you. It'll shift the entire day. So I know that you brought this up before about having like a pleasure practice. So in the book you talk about establishing a pleasure practice. Could you maybe shed a light on what that entails and why it's essential for women to prioritize and men pleasure in their lives?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that the more connected anybody is to their pleasure, that the more connected they are to their power and the more powerful that you feel and you are in who you are, not in external things, the more authentic and more connected to your purpose that you are. So I like to say a powerful woman, or a pleasure woman, is a powerful woman and powerful women can change the world and it's something I super totally believe in. So what's a pleasure practice? It's essentially what we discussed earlier.
Speaker 2:It's finding things that bring you pleasure. And if you can't find something, start with a nap, start with smelling the lotion that you put on your hands, start with savoring the food that you eat when you sit down. Just really tune into your senses and into sensuality and that will lead you to the things that bring you pleasure. And you do that once a day, once a week, and you build that just like you would with exercise or gratitude or anything else, and you have a pleasure practice.
Speaker 1:That is amazing, so I want to. This is what her book looks like. So not tonight, honey. Why women actually don't want sex, and what we can do about it is on Amazon. Are there any other places that you can pick up this book at?
Speaker 2:Yeah, the I think Barnes and Noble Apple Books there's so just Probably everywhere. Yeah, I'm trying to think of non-European ones. Yeah, pretty most like major players. I don't think it's a target. Yeah, but most people will defer to Amazon. If there is anyone who has a local bookstore, I would love for it to be in like small, you know, local bookstores. It's just hasn't been. I haven't been in Europe makes it a little bit difficult to make that happen.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to think like, do I actually? Oh, I am in Saratoga Springs and there is a bookstore right on our main street, so I'm going to go there and see if it's there, I'm going to be so excited I'll have to post it, I'll be so excited. So let me ask you this Do you do any, do you have any coaching programs? Or, if anybody's interested to work with you, what is? Are people able to do that, and can you tell us a little bit about that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I work with individuals and with couples, and right now what I'm doing is creating what are called sexual empowerment weekends. First they'll start out with women and then I'll move over to couples as well, but this is essentially just a weekend where we take a lot of the things that are talked about in the book but we really go deep and so people who are struggling with desire, who are struggling with connecting to their pleasure this will be like a boot camp weekend for them to be like okay, like yeah, I need to really take back this idea of being a sexual being and creating a sex life that works for me. So that is what is forthcoming. But if somebody's interested in that, they can message me to get on a wait list. Or if they're interested in doing a like a one-on-one weekend, that's like an intensive, they can message me or email me and we can coordinate that.
Speaker 1:Do they have to in person or can they be over Zoom?
Speaker 2:Ooh, that's a good question. So the weekends, like the small group ones, are in person. Have not considered doing them online for a one-on-one, I would say that if somebody, I would prefer to do in person, but if somebody is really well, that'll be a case by case. I'm very open-minded so we can be open for discussion.
Speaker 1:I love that. So the next chapter. So your work in your book has already made a significant impact on many women. What's next for you? Are there any new projects or areas of research that you're currently exploring?
Speaker 2:You know, one thing that I have been really excited about is the response from men who have read the book and just their insight and takeaways, and so I think that's kind of like.
Speaker 2:A next step for me is doing some research on like how women's low desire and then within relationships and creating tools for men so that they feel empowered, like they can like learn how to communicate. There was one reader who reached out to me and said that her husband read, was reading the book in bed next to her and he turned to her because he was at a point in the book about talking about body image and he asked her and said do you love your body? And she said no, I don't. And he they had been married for like 13 years. He had the idea of her not loving her body was so foreign to him. He just was like how is that possible? You gave birth to two beautiful babies and like you look amazing and she's like I don't hate it anymore but like I'm more like neutral towards it and just like the conversation that they had because of what he had read, like I don't know if it would change their marriage, but it definitely was a good, you know chat that they had.
Speaker 1:So I mean it sounds like, if anything, it opened up his perspective to what her struggle has been, you know, which would give him deeper understanding to, maybe, how he approaches conversations with her. Absolutely that's, that's very powerful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it was. It's one of my favorite stories, yeah.
Speaker 1:I love that story. I'm like I'm going to give it to my partner. Yes, ma'am, just move it on over, yep, like sir Yep Courtney, thank you so much for coming to the spiritual spotlight series. I am so excited to read your book. I've already purchased it during this interview. Oh, thanks, thank you again. So so much, thank you.
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